I need help. I have been in a relationship for the past 4 years with a man and am newly engaged. He plays football overseas and I am finishing school to get my bachelors degree, so for the most part, our relationship is primarily long distance.
We have found a way to make it work despite being apart for 9-10 months out of the year (I often go to visit him and he comes to visit me). Long story short, I caught him looking at gay pórn. Actually, all sorts of weird pórn honestly, but what stood out to me the most was the gay pórn.
Anyway, I was devastated and confronted him and asked him if he was gay. He of course denied it and said that he was just really freaky (and he is) and said that he watches so much pórn because he is overseas and does not want to cheat on me.
Eventually he just started getting off to any and everything he could find. During our argument, I repeatedly tried to get him to admit to me that he was gay because of course, looking at gay pórn obviously makes you gay right?
He said he’d stop looking at it if it bothers me, but I wanted him to stop looking at it because it’s wrong, and it’s gay. He tried to make it seem like any séx is séx and just because that is what he watches it doesn’t mean that’s what he wants to do with me or anyone else of that matter, it’s just freaky to him.
It’s been a year and I’ve often checked his computer and he hasn’t been on those websites since. Well, at least not to my finding. Am I wrong for feeling like this makes him gay and feeling like he will leave me for a man or something crazy like that because I’m a hypocrite!?!
However, I fear that when he leaves again, he’ll start looking at it again once he gets bored or even worse decide to experiment during our engagement or worse after we’re married! I mean he clearly fantasizes about being with, a man or at least a transvestite, right?
It is because of this that I am hesitant to marry him and obviously cannot stop thinking about his séxuality. I try to be an open book and keep communication open between us, but this topic clearly makes him uncomfortable to talk about. He treats me like a freaking diamond, is extremely romantic and thoughtful, manly, God-fearing, séxy, and very successful.
I absolutely adore his family, and he mine and we pray together. He’s everything any woman would want in a man, except I am not sure if he is gay/bi, even though he tries to make it clear that I am his end all be all.
I don’t want to look back and wish I’d made a different decision, especially if he comes out of the closet on me and embarrasses me later on.
We’ve talked about it since, but something is just not right. He wants to marry me soooo badly (so we can finally have kids and live together), but these insecurities are really killing me. I don’t know how to feel, think, or what to do. And, I have not told anyone. I need advice, help.
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