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Girl: Listen baby, it is only fair to define this. Four years of my life is a lot to ask for
Guy: What do you mean?
Girl: I’d feel like I just wasted four years of my life if this is not heading anywhere
Guy: Babe, it’s a relationship… not a death sentence.
Girl: You don’t get it, do you?
Guy: Make me get it
Girl: It is time to define US. Where are we heading to?
Guy: We…we are in a relationship. It’s a destination. Isn’t that enough?
Girl: So where is the next bus-stop?
Guy: Every day we stop and pick up new ways of loving each other…that’s how it works.
Girl: So when do we get to the bus-stop where you propose to me? Or aren’t we going to get engaged?
Guy: …
Girl: Baby, say something!
Guy: I earn N120k… I am not ready for marriage.
Girl: I didn’t say marriage, I said engagement.
Guy: What’s the difference? One is supposed to lead to the other, right?
Girl: Baby, I have to wear an engagement ring just for the satisfaction of knowing that this is leading somewhere
Guy: For how long? Another four years? So you can finally brand me a monster for tying you down for eight years?
Girl: Do you plan to tie me down for that long?
Guy: I don’t know, babe. I just know that I’ve seen too many f%&ked up situations and I am in no hurry to get engaged or married or any of that.
Girl: So are we f%&ked up?
Guy: No…but…look at Francis and his wife…they quarrel like drunk cats! Guy earns barely above what I earn and he already has two kids. The minute you get married the kids start popping out like popcorn. It’s shitty. It doesn’t interest me at all.
Girl: Wait, let me understand what you are saying… Are you saying marriage is shitty, and you have no interest in having kids?
Guy: No, not right now. I’m not interested. I can’t afford that lifestyle on my salary.
Girl: Then dream bigger, aim higher…’cos I’m tired of waiting!
Guy: Then don’t wait. You don’t have shackles on your feet.
Girl: WHAT?!
Guy: Babe, see…I love you, but I’m not going to promise what I can’t afford to give. If you can understand that then we can continue loving each other, if not then it’s fine. I understand.
Girl: I can’t believe you!
Guy: Wh…what do you want me to do?
Girl: The right thing!
Guy: But this is the right thing. I’m not going to lie to you nah!
Girl: So four years just go by like that and I’m supposed to just walk away?
Guy: Don’t walk. Stay with me.
Girl: Until when?
Guy: Until…what do you mean, “until when?” Isn’t this a relationship?
Girl: That is heading nowhere!
Guy: Ok…ok! So it seems we have very different views about this, ‘cos if you ask me I’ll tell you that this is fulfilling in itself, and it is enough for me- just having you in my life and sharing it together.
Girl: I will never forgive you if you don’t do the right thing. And God will judge you.
Guy: Oh boy! What are you on about?
Girl: If you think you can just use me and dump me…
Guy: Use you?! How? We are dating! How is that “using” in anyway?
Girl: And I’m supposed to just stay in a relationship that has no plans to evolve?
Guy: I thought we were evolving just fine. Loving, sharing, learning…
Girl: This is bullshit! And karma will get you for this!
Guy: Babe, I didn’t f%&k you without your permission. Everything we did, we did because we wanted to. And if we break up now, it will be because we stopped wanting the same things. Our needs changed. Mine is still straight, but you want other things I can’t give; so how does that make me a bad guy?
Girl: Is this a plan to marry someone else? Piss me off and then go get a new chick, abi?
Guy: You are not listening…you never listen. I am presenting to you a simple case: I do not have the money to buy you an engagement ring…I don’t have money to pay bloggers to cover our “surprise engagement” that we’d have at The Galleria, with your palm over your mouth feigning surprise and acting like you didn’t tie my balls to do it. I do not have money to entertain your friends and family…and I, sure as hell, do not have the money to plan a wedding, or move you into my small apartment. And I will not have kids popping out from every hole in your body just so I can tick all of society’s boxes. I don’t have the money…and guess what, I don’t have any interest in doing all of that.
Girl: So why did you date me?
Guy: Gosh! Are you serious?!
Girl: Answer me, damn it!
Guy: I dated you because we liked each other! Heck, you showed as much interest as I did… you attacked me like a tigress on our first night. I didn’t force you to cook, clean…you did it willingly just as much as I did all I did freely. Why are you now making it seem like we had an agreement four years ago that I am reluctant to fulfil?
Girl: I am a woman, and you let my biological clock tick away like that!
Guy: Aaaaargh! What do you want from me?
Girl: Ok…what if I settle everything? I work too and I can buy the engagement ring for myself and pay for a photographer to capture the moment. It will be on a yacht not at The Galleria…I’ll pay BellaNaija to put it up. All you need to do is slip it into my finger. For the wedding, I’ve been saving for four years. I have enough to cover my dress, the cake, the hall, the food, MC and photographer… you can take care of your suit and the Deejay.
Guy: Wow! What can I say? Are you sure you are not on some cheap meds?
Girl: Excuse me?!
Guy: Babe, you know what? I think it is best we break up. I can’t deal with this right now.
Girl: Really?!
Guy: Yes, really.
Girl: You evil man! I stayed with you, nursed you when you were ill…bought you the best gifts four years in a roll for your birthday…sucked you, kissed you, loved you like you were the last man on earth…
Guy: I sucked you too; ate you well like you were the sweetest cake in the store; bought you nice gifts; travelled with you; heard you cry, laugh… helped you get better at your job…supported you when you feared you had breast cancer. I did what a boyfriend should do. So what’s your point?
Girl: Shut up! You devil!
Guy: *sighs* Babe, I can’t give you what you want. I’m just not ready for it. I’m sorry.
Girl: I gave you the best years of my life.
Guy: And I gave you the best of what I could afford. Cut the pity party, abeg. You are the one asking for more, you are the one who’s unfair. So why blame me? You are the one ending the relationship; I’m just trying to be sincere.
Girl: God will shame you! I will get married before the end of this year.
Guy: Oho! So you’ve been cheating on me?
Girl: I never cheated, but God sees my heart and He will give me my heart desire and shame my enemies.
Guy: So you’ll be getting married to a stranger then?
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